I do believe in an absolute, indestructible and eternal question mark, that maybe has some qualities of a "being" and some qualities of a "theory of everything" - and a lot of implications for my life - and because I´m such a lazy person, and because I grew up under western influence, I tend to call it (much shorter): God.

How did I reach this point?

I was never forced and I never forced myself into "faith" or a particular faith system. Actually - for me - it has nothing to do with faith. I´ve no idea, why people can have faith, or how this faith-thing works. I never pray and I don´t go to church.

In the end it´s a long and personal story, with some similarities to the story, that can be found in a book: "The Man without Qualities" - "Der Mann ohne Eigenschaften".

It´s the story of a mathematician, who has lost his faith in the worldly world and finally he makes a mystic attempt. It ends with a very clear and detailed description of this special condition.. Well, actually the book doesn´t end. Musil unfortunately died in 1942 after writing on this book for approximately twenty years.

After I somehow finished this book, I wanted to write a screenplay. It somehow turned into a mystic experience, that lasted for seven days. Very strange, more like translating an abstract message into a text - instead of inventing it.

Maybe I could describe it like this: some events in my life remained in my memory, some books or pieces of art, movies etc. impressed me more than others. For a long time all these experiences remained unconnected with each other: like accidents.
Somehow in this mystic period "everything", all the details, seemed to have a big meeting in my head, they arranged in a way, that - for the first time - made sense.

I felt a huge contrast between the ordinary, real world - as it is, and a possible world - the world as it should be according to the "question mark", I mentioned above.

This happened almost ten years ago, but it changed my life completely.
I couldn´t say, that it became more easy and in a certain way the last ten years could be described as a series of attempts to convince myself, that these seven days were just a period of inspiration.

Well long story, short sense:
Mysticism is for me something very real, not mysterious. All my rational thoughts come to exactly the same conclusions. But what can I do with something that weighs so heavy?

I think, a life, according to what S. Freud called "the principle of reality" will make you probably more happy. It´s also much more practical.
Trust your genes! Just leave the difficult decisions to your DNA!
For me unfortunately it´s probably too late. Maybe I do belong to a crazy species, that should have died out a long time ago